“Sometimes the heart sees what is invisible to the eye.”
- H. Jackson Brown, Jr.

 “Where there is love there is life.”
-  Mahatma Gandhi

 This month’s Relationship Essential addresses the fundamental dynamic in all relationships. It’s the reason that 99.9% of clients walk through my door – and why we have such a high divorce rate. The divorce rate tells only part of the story. If nearly half of couples legally divorce, then how happy are the other half? The fact is that most of them aren’t very happy at all. It’s been estimated that only about half of the half (25%) of couples that stay together are really happy together. I think it’s much less than that. Why are most relationships less than optimal?

Needs-based contract vs. Love-based Relationships

Several months ago I was listening to new age physicist, Tom Campbell (www.my-big-toe.com), talk about relationships and I was reminded of what I’ve been saying for a long time. Love is a feeling; and marriage, in the legal sense, is a binding contract. Indeed, the history of marriage illustrates the contractual, survival nature of marriage and it’s only been in the last several hundred years that marriage has been associated with “love.” The implications of a needs-based contract are profound.

After the initial “honeymoon,” infatuation period, most couples at some point, get into a “score card” or needs-based contractual way of relating. The loving generosity that characterizes new relationships tends to fade and inevitably gives way to partners trying to get their needs met. This is of course understandable because that’s how most of us set out to find a partner in the first place. The dating process is about trying to find someone that we think will meet our needs – bring home a paycheck, provide sex, cook, fix the car, etc.  That’s what online dating is all about, putting your profile out there, selling yourself and hoping that someone will buy, or at least look at you. They choose you because they think you will meet their needs. In other words, people look for love from a self centered perspective – “what’s in it for me?” I’ve often said that dating is fraught with deceit and deception, putting your “best foot forward,” so to speak. People often forget or don’t even think about the fact that it usually takes at least 90  days for a bad habit to show up.

There is very little potential in a needs-based relationship. The best that couples in these situations can hope for is to be “amicable friends” that get along superficially. They don’t fight very much about the contract and they do their best to accept their partner’s flaws and faults. It’s a functional and unsatisfying way of relating. Yet, most often, needs-based relationships are filled with fear and ego, which in practical terms looks like the need to be right, get your own way, criticize, judge, retaliate, withhold, blame, conflict, etc. Understandably, most couples that go to marriage counselling are really there to re-negotiate the contract. The relationship may get better for while but inevitably the same issues come up and things revert to how they were before.

Love-Based Relationships

Love-based relationships have unlimited potential for happiness and joy. Love is the opposite of fear and ego. Love is about the OTHER, not ME. It’s about putting your partner’s needs ahead of your own and focusing on trying to make THEM happy. I do a talk called, “Happy Wife, Happy Life” and audiences, especially men, relate to the title in a profound way…

 “They remember that the primary reason they got together

 in the first place was to make each other happy.” 

The bottom line is that we all have to come back to love. Set your own needs aside for awhile and focus on making your partner happy and see what happens…

In Part 2, I’ll be discussing the practical strategies for achieving a love-based relationship, especially the importance of gender from a primal perspective.

Happy relating!

Alberta Primtime has invited Sig Taylor to participate in a panel discussion on “online dating”. 

His fellow panelists will be Krystal Walter who runs a matchmaking service (krystalwaltermatchmaking.com) in Edmonton and Marina Adshade, a Vancouver economist who’s written a book called “Dollars and Sex” about how economics are influencing love and sex.

It should be a lively discussion so if you get a chance turn on your TV @ 7:00pm MST. 

Alberta Primetime is a daily current affairs show airing weeknights from 7pm MST to 8pm MST. Airing across Alberta on CTV Two Alberta, Alberta Primetime drills through the surface of current issues to explore the ideas and concerns of Alberta’s real energy sector – its people…

Alberta Primetime can be seen on CTV Two Alberta on the following channels:

•  Bell TV: Channel 267
• Shaw Cable SD Calgary/Lethbridge SD: Channel 13
• Shaw Cable SD Edmonton/Red Deer/Grand Prairie/Fort McMurraySD: Channel 9
• Shaw Cable HD: Channel 212
• Shaw Direct SD: Channel 351
• Shaw Advanced SD: Channel 23
• Telus Optik TV SD Calgary/Lethbridge: Channel 13
• Telus Optik TV SD Edmonton/Red Deer/Grande Prairie/Fort McMurray: Channel 9
• Telus Optik TV SD Medicine Hat: Channel 6
• Telus Optik HD: Channel 694
• Telus Satellite TV: Channel 267

30 years of Scientific research has provided dramatic insights into the habits of successful couples.  We know that people who are good at getting others to treat them well possess very specific relationship habits and emotional skills.  The quality of your relationships (and your life) may depend on you knowing what they are!

Everyone is welcome to Sunday service at the Unity Church of Calgary this weekend on February 10th, 2013 at 10:00am and listen to Sig share:

• The 5 habits of success couples.
• The 4 patterns that predict divorce.
• The primary difference between men and women in intimate relationships.
• Why your sex life is a good “relationship barameter”.
• Why most of the things couples fight about are NOT SOLVABLE.
• Why marriage counselling often doesn’t work.

The Unity Church of Calgary is at 2035 – 26A Street SW, Calgary, AB – Sunday Service is at 10:00am.  Everyone is welcome!

5 ways to handle your “holiday Stress” this year!

1. Plan Ahead
    – realistic expectations (sometimes may mean lowering them)
    – create budget and stick to it
    – learn to say NO

2. Acknowledge your feelings
    – don’t hold them in, that just makes it worse. We’re “supposed” to be happy at Christmas and sometimes we’re not and that’s OK.

3. Avoid “processing” family issues and problems

4. Reach out (if you’re away from family, lonely, etc.)

5. Focus on the meaning of Christmas and holidays for you – even if you don’t like Christmas, find something that you can enjoy
    – what really matters to you – spirituality
    – kindness
    – relationships, connecting with friends, etc.

The Man Event this Saturday Septemer 22nd, is a FREE one-day event that provides men with tools and proven practices to better their relationships in general and can become rock-solid in maintaining a commitment to sucess in all parts of their lives.

The instructors are seasoned leaders and coaches from diverse corporate and community backgrounds, successful in their relationships and careers, capably taking on life’s challenges, and ready to teach what they’ve learned.

For most, this one-day event will change lives….are you going to be one of the lucky ones?

If so then you need to be at the Man Event on Saturday – Click here and book your spot at this great event:

Date: September 22, 2012

Time: 9:00am till 3:00pm

Location: The Slovenian Canadian Club

After the initial infatuation/romance stage wears off (weeks up to 4 years) couples enviably disagree in five key areas:

- Money

- Sex

- Kids

- Time

- In-laws

In my sessions with couples we discuss the 5 essential compatibilities for relationship success and how to negotiate successful compromises.

The 5 Essential Compatibilities for Relationship Success:

1. Core values (eg. honesty, fidelity, whether to have children, religion, etc.)

2. Open and direct communication.

3. Sexuality

4. Shared fun and interests

5. Wishes, hopes and dreams

Do you want to know how you and your partner are doing in these areas?  Take my “30 second relationship assessment”.

After the initial infatuation/romance stage wears off (weeks up to 4 years) couples enviably disagree in five key areas:

- Money

- Sex

- Kids

- Time

- In-laws

In my sessions with couples we discuss the 5 essential compatibilities for relationship success and how to negotiate successful compromises.

The 5 Essential Compatibilities for Relationship Success:

1. Core values (eg. honesty, fidelity, whether to have children, religion, etc.)

2. Open and direct communication.

3. Sexuality

4. Shared fun and interests

5. Wishes, hopes and dreams

Do you want to know how you and your partner are doing in these areas?  Take my “30 second relationship assessment”.

The Emotional/Love Bank Account

In any relationship, even casual and business ones, goodwill is a key ingredient to it’s success.  Goodwill is the extent to which you trust and feel positive about the other person.  If something bad does happen challenges come up, the more goodwill in the relationship, the greater the chance of recovering from the setback.  If there is little or no goodwill, event the smallest or most trivial issue can become a big deal, sometimes even threatening the entire relationship.

“The straw that broke the camel’s back”, so to speak!  Rebuilding, nurturing and sustaining goodwill is essential if you hope to have a good relationship.

In any primary relationship, one sure way to improve goodwill is to find out what makes your partner feel loved and cared about.  However, the problem is that we tend to assume that what makes us feel loved is what makes our partner feel loved.  For example, most people tend to touch other people in the way that they like to be touched.  Assumptions like this can be very damaging to relationships.  The fact is what feels good to one person may not feel good to another.  Communication and openness is essential.

Gary Chapman’s book, “The Five languages of Love” addresses this issue by identifying the five different ways (languages) that make people feel loved.

1. Acts of service

2. Words of affection

3. Touch

4. Quality of Time

5. Gifts

Here is an exercise that I give to my clients.

1. Reflect on which of the five languages of love make you feel loved and cared about.  Write down your top three.

2. Guess what YOU THINK your partner’s top three are.

3. With your partner discuss and clarify.  Be specific (e.g. find out the exact words of affection)

4. Make a list of 12 things that make you feel loved and share it with your partner.  Find 3 things that your partner is willing to do each week from your list and put it up on the dresser (some place where you’ll see it each day).  Your partner is to do the same.  Review your progess as part of your Dairly Check-In.

When you do this, watch what happens to your connection!

The Emotional/Love Bank Account

In any relationship, even casual and business ones, goodwill is a key ingredient to it’s success.  Goodwill is the extent to which you trust and feel positive about the other person.  If something bad does happen challenges come up, the more goodwill in the relationship, the greater the chance of recovering from the setback.  If there is little or no goodwill, event the smallest or most trivial issue can become a big deal, sometimes even threatening the entire relationship.

 “The straw that broke the camel’s back”, so to speak!  Rebuilding, nurturing and sustaining goodwill is essential if you hope to have a good relationship.

In any primary relationship, one sure way to improve goodwill is to find out what makes your partner feel loved and cared about.  However, the problem is that we tend to assume that what makes us feel loved is what makes our partner feel loved.  For example, most people tend to touch other people in the way that they like to be touched.  Assumptions like this can be very damaging to relationships.  The fact is what feels good to one person may not feel good to another.  Communication and openness is essential.

Gary Chapman’s book, “The Five languages of Love” addresses this issue by identifying the five different ways (languages) that make people feel loved.

1. Acts of service

2. Words of affection

3. Touch

4. Quality of Time

5. Gifts

Here is an exercise that I give to my clients.

1. Reflect on which of the five languages of love make you feel loved and cared about.  Write down your top three.

2. Guess what YOU THINK your partner’s top three are.

3. With your partner discuss and clarify.  Be specific (e.g. find out the exact words of affection)

4. Make a list of 12 things that make you feel loved and share it with your partner.  Find 3 things that your partner is willing to do each week from your list and put it up on the dresser (some place where you’ll see it each day).  Your partner is to do the same.  Review your progress as part of your Daily Check-In.

When you do this, watch what happens to your connection!