123 Magic Frequently Asked Questions
The following questions and answers assume you are familiar with 123 Magic. That means you've attended a workshop, read the book, or listened to the audiotapes. Keep in mind that families are complex entities. Many factors contribute to non-compliant behavior. In order of importance, they are: 1) the child's temperament, 2) your temperament, 3) child management, and 4) family stressors. 123 Magic helps with the child management part (factor #3). The responses below are not intended to replace treatment, therapy, or a professional assessment. We don't know your specific child or your situation. Therefore, it is your responsibility to assess whether these guidelines are appropriate for you.
1. I've counted to "3" but the child won't go to their room (time out)?
2. What if the child won't stay in time out?
Important: If you're involved with child protection services or you are a foster parent, you're probably not allowed to lock the door as it may be construed as abusive. Discuss the situation with the agency and/or person responsible for monitoring you and the child.
3. What if my child trashes their room while in time out?
4. Will using the child's room for time out cause them to hate their room?
5. What do I do in public?
6. What if my child continues to scream and tantrum in time out?
7. What about sibling rivalry?
8. How long should time outs be?
9. What if my child does something really severe and I don't want to give them 3 chances to keep doing it (e.g. hitting, swearing, etc.)
10. Do I explain the system to my child before I use it?
11. Are there situations when 123 Magic should not be used?
12. Can I use other time out areas besides the child's room?
13. 123 Magic was great in the beginning but now things seem to be getting worse. I think we've "slipped." What can we do?
Common causes of slipping are travel, illness, new babies, etc. (stress). When you slip with the program, just go back to the basics. Count assertively and stop talking too much. It often helps to re-read the book, watch the video or listen to the audiotapes.
"Escort" the child to time out. In the beginning the child may be yelling, screaming, kicking, etc. Remember, if you're using 123 properly you haven't gotten baited into getting upset, so you can take them to time out gently and compassionately. Avoid talking to the child while you're taking them to time out.
This sometimes happens when you're first getting started with the program. The child is testing you. Your primary task at this time is to make a believer of them. If they come out of time out, put them back in and close the door. As a last resort you can lock the door or hold it. Locking works best. Use a bathroom security lock installed inside out, or a hook & latch. With infants, you can use a "squishy doorknob" device that fits over the doorknob and stops it from turning. Once the child learns to stay in time out, you can leave the door open.
The reason most kids trash their room is because they are angry at you for disciplining them and one way they can express their anger at you is by trashing their room. If you suspect your child may trash their room, make sure you "de-trash" the room before you start using 123 Magic. Get anything valuable or anything they may hurt themselves with out of the room before you start the program. If the child trashes their room, the main thing is that you don't clean the room up. Leave it trashed until the behavior improves. If you clean up the room, you've "re-loaded" the child's gun and now they have a nice clean room to trash again. Remember, if you get upset, they've won and will likely continue trashing their room. Your upset (emotion) is what reinforces the child's negative behavior so make sure you don't react emotionally to trashing.
No. We have no evidence of that. The room is not meant to be a sterile environment. Kids are not allowed to have a TV/Computer/Nintendo, etc., phone, and they must be themselves (no pets). They can read, play with toys and walk around. Listening to music is not allowed when time out is being enforced.
When you're first starting out with the program, ask yourself, "do I have to take them with me?" Consider accessing child care during this time. If you must take them, don't try and use the system in public until things are going well at home. Then, when you're in public, count assertively just like you do at home. Where to time kids out? For younger children try timing them out to the corner of the store or a washroom. With older kids you can time them out to the car or out of the store.
With kids 4 years old and up, don't' start the time out until they settle down. In the beginning, when kids are testing and manipulating you, that can be quite a while. Of course part of what makes time out so effective is that it gives the child a chance to calm down away from you. With infants, 2-3 years, they sometimes just "don't get it" and continue to tantrum indefinitely so let them out of time out after a few minutes. If they're still upset distract them by getting them interested in doing something else.
When kids are fighting make sure you never ask the world's dumbest question, "who started it?" Or even dumber, "what happened?" It's very difficult to tell who started the fighting and unless there's one clear unprovoked aggressor, always count all of the kids who are fighting. Say, "that's one for all of you." Then if they keep fighting they all go to time out. Separate locations!
The younger the child the shorter their time perspective. Therefore, the general rule is 1 minute of time out per year of age (e.g. 5 year olds get 5 minutes, 10 year olds get 10 minutes, etc.). In other words, for a 5 year old, 5 minutes seems about the same as 10 minutes to a 10 year old.
If the behavior is really severe, the child immediately gets a count of 3 and is sent to time out. You can add some extra time for the severity of the behavior (5-10 minutes).
Yes, by all means explain, but keep it simple. Don't expect the explanation to make much difference in behavior. 123 starts to work (take effect) when you actually time the kids out a few times.
Yes. If you suspect your child might hurt themselves or panic in time out. Some kids are prone to self punitive behavior or suffer from severe separation anxiety disorder. In either of these situations, have your child assessed by a competent mental health professional before starting the program.
Yes. As long as the child stays in time out and doesn't continue to misbehave ("horse around").
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